Yaya Toure - The most offensive defensive midfielder.

Not offensive as in he’s rude, or inappropriate or anything like that. Offensive as in attacking, I’ve utilised the word more commonly used to describe Grid-Iron, in an attempt to make a catchy title. If you’ve read down to here and leave now, it was still worth it. I live for hits.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic / Samuel Eto'o + £45 million

The big one. The confusing one!

In the summer of 2009 Zlatan Ibrahimovic moved from Serie A Champions Internazionale of Milan to FC Barcelona. The fee, including a £20 million valuation of Cameroonian striker Samuel Eto’o was around £70 million. It was all done in Euros (They do that over there) but the exchange rate was 1=1.08 or something like that, so a rough figure in Pounds Stirling will suffice here.

Why Arsenal fans are wrong about Samir Nasri

Samir Nasri will be missed…

Many Arsenal fans are stating on twitter, or in the more traditional discussion forums such as the pub, that Samir Nasri only had 6 good months with them out of three years, and they’ll be selling at a profit – so good riddance. Add an unhealthy dose of abusive chanting at a Newcastle away game, and you’d start to think that Nasri was the worst player ever to have pulled on a red and white shirt.

Death, taxes... and hatred in football

Death, taxes, and hatred in football.

Nanana nanananana-nana Sami you’re a cunt, you’re a cunt, Sami you’re cunt!

Sergio Aguero is... Diego Maradona

“So Sergio! How are you lad? Tell us a little bit about who you’re going to be performing as tonight”

“Well, I’m keeping it in the family tonight Matthew.”

“Oh yes? You’re from the rural part of Argentina are you?”

“No, I’m from Quilmes. What’re you trying to say? I’m from Bueno Aires” Sergio Aguero stands up, sees that he’s even shorter, and jumps back on his stool.

Romelu Lukaku is..... Didier Drogba

"Tell us about the person you're going to be tonight Romelu."

"The person I'm going to be tonight Matthew, was originally born in Adijan, Cote d'Ivoire. He made his name in the French league, but was a relatively late bloomer. He moved to Chelsea in July 2004 for £24 million, after winning Player of the Year as a Marseille player. He's a bit of a battering ram, but he falls over quite a fair bit. His biggest claim to fame is that he's scored more goals than any other foreign player for Chelsea, and he was named one of Time magazine's 100 most influental people for his peacemaking efforts in his home country."

"Well Romelu, he's quite well known isn't he? Bit of a superstar isn't he? We're all guessing. Go on then, put us all out of our misery. Tell us who you're going to be tonight."

"Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be.... Didier Drobga!

"Didier Drogba!!! Well he's got the build hasn't he? Let's hope he can score some great goals without ever screaming at the camera whilst wearing flip-flops after a contentious European defeat. Tonight, playing live - Romelu Lukaku is... Didier Drogba!"

The Empty Room #4 - John Terry

England's Brave John Terry

The Empty room #3 - Duncan Ferguson

The Big Man – Duncan Ferguson

A few words of advice to any budding burglar. Stay the fuck away from Big Dunc’s house. The plush Merseyside residences of many a Liverpool and Everton star have been the target for the more scrupulous of the unscrupulous. Rich pickings are there to be had – you could even watch the player in action on one of their plasma screens, safe in the knowledge that it’ll be hours before they get back. There are of course, episodes where crime doesn’t pay. In fact, there are two well documented episodes where crime only results in a trip to casualty on the way to the cop shop.